Nightmares = Awake & Asleep

I know there are far worse things that can happen to someone. This seems to be consuming my life. The pain in my heart is indescribable. God is saying "trust me" and I am doing my best, but my soul is vexed and flawed. I return to my vomit like a dog. I have been talking to several people who have been doing what they can to speak life and encouragement to me. I am learning a lot about myself and the fears that I have allowed to control so much of life. God is near me, and I know this because the scriptures say that He is close to the brokenhearted. I am trying not to be dismayed, distracted, and deceived. Satan is lurking near me, waiting for me to slip, so he can steal my purpose, kill my hope and joy, and destroy my belief in God being able to do anything through this season.

I woke up from a nap a few minutes ago. The dream I was having was about a meeting between me and Jamilah. See, in real life, she's supposed to call me "soon" and talk about something. I don't know what about yet, thus the reason for this dream. My anxiety was at play. So, instead of her calling me, in the dream, she came over. She came downstairs and we began talking about her new boyfriend, Travis. It was strange though because as we talked, she turned into someone else. I don't know who it was that she turned into, but she was not black anymore, she was white. She looked more like Ariana Grande than herself. What she was wearing changed too. She was wearing more of a Madonna-esque outfit. Ripped material, short mini-skirt, low-cut top and messy hair and heavy make-up on. She started talking softer and softer, to the point of not being able to hear what she was saying. I was getting frustrated with her being so stinkin' quiet. I figured it was an important enough conversation to where she would travel to be here in person, but she was being very evasive verbally. Her attitude changed from the modest and moral person I always believed she was to a loose moral, loose-lipped seductress. The conversation turned to one that was focused on the possible physical relationship her and Travis may have been involved in. That was painful, but the fact that she was attempting to make me feel all badly about losing her to him because of her being "more attractive" now was what was enraging. I remember kneeling beside the bed downstairs and slamming both of my arms onto the mattress screaming to stop trying to seduce me and just talk louder! I realized that the person that was in front of me was not Jamilah anymore. I woke up. sweating and breathing hard. I had to talk myself down to relax. I repeated in my mind that who was frustrating me, wasn't Jamilah and that I was talking to someone else. I still don't know who that was supposed to be.

So, Jamilah just called me. I gotta take this...