So, I'm learning through my weekly therapy sessions that one of my biggest issues is being or feeling like I'm misunderstood. One of the most comforting lines in any song I've ever heard is in a song that my grandpa wrote called "Anchor My Soul." The line is "Jesus knows, and He understands." There has been scripture that confirms that sentiment that I've come in contact with recently as well. This morning I was listening to a podcast that essentially said the same thing. I need to be reminded that when no one else understands me, God does. He knows why everything is happening and cares about how I am coping with all of it. There are so many ups and downs in my life lately, and I don't foresee them normalizing anytime soon. Without getting into detail, I find myself sick to my stomach most of the time because of things that are out of my control. I am literally forced into trusting God to work in my life, whatever that may mean. I don't know if I'm supposed to have "faith" that things can be restored or if I'm supposed to "let go" and move onto whatever else it is that God has in store for me. The only thing I know is that I am supposed to be the best father for my children as I can. Literally NOTHING else is clear. I am struggling with purpose. I am struggling with my identity. I am struggling with my opinion of myself and my manliness. I feel totally and completely inadequate regarding everything right now. I am super vulnerable and I need the protection of God to keep me on the right path because the enemy can creep in and distract me pretty easily if I'm not on my toes... which gets really tiring to constantly be "on guard."
Another thing I am struggling with is the need to be around people that love me and are for me during this time of difficulty. My parents are there for me and I'm around them often. Probably more than anyone else. There are others that I talk to about my situation and they've provided some great perspective and insight, but I'm talking about people that I can actually sit down with in front of their faces and talk with them about whats happening and how I'm feeling. There aren't that many people left anymore that have the freedom to do that. Which is interesting in itself... Society is busied beyond a healthy level and has been preoccupied with technology, politics, or whatever else for years and years now. It's just now being realized in small circles. People being "connected" through their media devices and DISCONNECTED from physical interaction between real people. I don't understand why people prefer a fake connection. I want a real connection with people. I'm growing tired of technology. I write this blog simply because I need a place to express myself. I'm realistic about if anyone will ever read this... probably not. I only turn here because there isn't anyone that I can turn to in real life besides three or four people at most... and that is whenever they have time, which isn't very often because they've got their own lives to live.
It might seem like a last resort, but my ability to talk to God and even more important LISTEN to what He might be trying to say to me is crucial. I know that God is looking out for me. I know that He's always watched out for me, even when I am in the middle of the hardest parts of my life. The second hardest thing in my life was going to jail. He was there and active during that time too. He was with me when I began a bible study in there. He was with me when I became a trustee on the first day. He was with me when two men gave their lives to God. I can trust Him. I will trust Him. He knows me more than I know myself. He'll never leave or forsake me. That was a promise...and HE IS FAITHFUL!!!! I choose to believe that in spite of what I see transpiring.
It's hard. It's work. It's tiring. But if it's true, such as I've seen so far, then it's my only option.
Help me, Lord.
