Truly Tragic.
There are certain pieces of music that transport me to past experiences and emotions.
The Album Leaf's album entitled "In a Safe Place" is one of those pieces of music that instantly take me back to when Jamilah loved me, we were dating in Portland, OR. and life was complicated still but there was a certain sweetness about it. Troy, our six pound Chihuahua, was alive and vitality just oozed from him. The apartments Jamilah lived in, affectionately called "The Breeze Way" and the sunlight that radiated through the windows there, and the other apartment Jamilah had near the Pearl District downtown... The cruising around the shops and boutiques. Exploring the areas restaurants and parks. Going to church downtown with Milton at the Flying Elephant building. The jobs I held as a security officer and an apartment leasing agent... The optimism and fresh, newness that was all around everything. Living at Momentum Studio with Zeb. My red Nissan Sentra and the ten inch subwoofer that it had. Going to the Grande after hours and getting to know people there...
It was all such a wonderful time that I will never be able to relive, recapture or ever experience that feeling again... I was so young then... After Jamilah and I married, eleven years after almost, she left. She'd given up and had been preparing to do so in her heart for the previous two years without my knowledge. All of it took me so much by surprise that I am still trying to get over it. It raked my heart through hells coals and back again... It murdered my soul. I am afraid and timid now. I am scared to think about the idea of future love because I don't want to get hurt anymore. I'd rather take my chances alone than to risk that level of pain again. I am slowly regaining some level of significance and value, but it is a definite struggle and I doubt I'll ever reach my former confidence ever again.
I cry. Literally every time I think about it all.
Everything, everyone I've lost... including myself.
I'm less than half the man I used to be...
...and I wasn't a very good man to begin with.
Like I said,
Truly Tragic.
