Being Misunderstood SUCKS!!!

So, I'm learning through my weekly therapy sessions that one of my biggest issues is being or feeling like I'm misunderstood. One of the most comforting lines in any song I've ever heard is in a song that my grandpa wrote called "Anchor My Soul." The line is "Jesus knows, and He understands." There has been scripture that confirms that sentiment that I've come in contact with recently as well. This morning I was listening to a podcast that essentially said the same thing. I need to be reminded that when no one else understands me, God does. He knows why everything is happening and cares about how I am coping with all of it. There are so many ups and downs in my life lately, and I don't foresee them normalizing anytime soon. Without getting into detail, I find myself sick to my stomach most of the time because of things that are out of my control. I am literally forced into trusting God to work in my life, whatever that may mean. I don't know if I'm supposed to have "faith" that things can be restored or if I'm supposed to "let go" and move onto whatever else it is that God has in store for me. The only thing I know is that I am supposed to be the best father for my children as I can. Literally NOTHING else is clear. I am struggling with purpose. I am struggling with my identity. I am struggling with my opinion of myself and my manliness. I feel totally and completely inadequate regarding everything right now. I am super vulnerable and I need the protection of God to keep me on the right path because the enemy can creep in and distract me pretty easily if I'm not on my toes... which gets really tiring to constantly be "on guard."
Another thing I am struggling with is the need to be around people that love me and are for me during this time of difficulty. My parents are there for me and I'm around them often. Probably more than anyone else. There are others that I talk to about my situation and they've provided some great perspective and insight, but I'm talking about people that I can actually sit down with in front of their faces and talk with them about whats happening and how I'm feeling. There aren't that many people left anymore that have the freedom to do that. Which is interesting in itself... Society is busied beyond a healthy level and has been preoccupied with technology, politics, or whatever else for years and years now. It's just now being realized in small circles. People being "connected" through their media devices and DISCONNECTED from physical interaction between real people. I don't understand why people prefer a fake connection. I want a real connection with people. I'm growing tired of technology. I write this blog simply because I need a place to express myself. I'm realistic about if anyone will ever read this... probably not. I only turn here because there isn't anyone that I can turn to in real life besides three or four people at most... and that is whenever they have time, which isn't very often because they've got their own lives to live.
It might seem like a last resort, but my ability to talk to God and even more important LISTEN to what He might be trying to say to me is crucial. I know that God is looking out for me. I know that He's always watched out for me, even when I am in the middle of the hardest parts of my life. The second hardest thing in my life was going to jail. He was there and active during that time too. He was with me when I began a bible study in there. He was with me when I became a trustee on the first day. He was with me when two men gave their lives to God. I can trust Him. I will trust Him. He knows me more than I know myself. He'll never leave or forsake me. That was a promise...and HE IS FAITHFUL!!!! I choose to believe that in spite of what I see transpiring.
It's hard. It's work. It's tiring. But if it's true, such as I've seen so far, then it's my only option.
Help me, Lord.

What's Going On???

There are so many thoughts running through my head at any given time. It's hard to sort out which thought to talk about first. I try and begin my day by listening to a sermon or some form of worship music. Something that would put me closer to a time with God. I know there are so many things that could take my attention away from Him in the morning. I feel like if I don't try to be close to Him, then anything can pull me away from Him and away from thinking correctly about this situation.

I have a problem with fear. I tend to fear things before have faith that God can do something about my issues and concerns. That comes from a place of always feeling like I have to make things happen on my own or they won't get done... Which in itself is essentially not putting my trust in God...

Not trusting God is the last thing that I know I should do and that if I don't trust God that I will be let down and I cannot allow myself to be let down anymore because it feels like I'm already at my rock bottom and there's nowhere to go that can be any lower. It's time to climb. It's time to do everything I can, but allow God to move the way He sees fit. I've always said that God knows what's going on even when we don't. He DOES, and that "saying" is having to turn into action lately.This is not an easy time for me.

It's not an easy time for my parent's. They're worried that Jamilah is going to take away their ability to be with the kids, just like Khioni has. They don't really know what to say or do to help me out in this divorce situation, but their hearts are breaking for me and they're doing the best they know how... They lend an ear, they give encouragement, they provide whatever help they can with resources they have, and maybe that's all they can do, but that's a lot.

I was listening to a podcast today by Joyce Meyer Ministries and they were covering the natural disasters from a year or so ago down south. They played audio clips of people and their testimonies on what happened to them and a few news reports about what was going on. From some of those, I heard people struggling not to drown, to get rescued, to get their elderly family members rescued... I was thinking about if I was going through this and some sort of disaster happened at the same time! WHAT CRAZINESS would THAT be??? WOW!!! I can hardly imagine what going through something that uncontrollable must feel like, let alone losing everything you own and maybe never getting it back. I remember being in the homeless community when people were fleeing their states to come up here. Most of the homeless people I met weren't from Washington State. They were from places that were affected by these disasters. They were just trying to survive. They made it here. As terrible, tormenting and torturing this situation is and has been, at least I'm not in the middle of "an act of God" in THAT sense of it. I thank God for that.

I try to count my blessings. I've got a roof over my head. I don't have to sleep outside in the rain and snow. I have the ability to come to my parent's place and use that as a base, although I don't live there. I have the use of a vehicle. I have food to eat. I have the ability to see my children. They're doing wonderfully, by the way. I have clean clothes. I can take showers, I have a part-time job. I can still go to college, I have a phone that works. I have people to talk to that care about me and how I'm doing... (THAT one is HUGE)

I don't know what I would do if I were truly alone during all of this. Thank you, God for Jennifer and my sister. Their advice has been so eye opening and useful, and it's enabled me to think about this in a way that I wouldn't have been able to think on my own accord. Thank you for sending them and your wisdom through them to me.

Father, thank you for your provision. Thank you that you've kept me safe. Thank you that in spite of losing the most important relationship of my earthly life that you've remained faithful and consistent and present and that you are helping me become a better man because of all this... You said that you'd never leave me OR FORESAKE me. That means that my problems are just as important to you as the problems of people facing natural, political, financial, family or mental disasters. I am no less important to you. You care for me regardless of how garbage I am or how garbage I feel like I am. Help me to grow to the point where I don't feel so garbage. Use me, eventually, to help others not think of themselves as being as garbage as they may feel.

Thank you, Father, in advance, for healing my mind and my heart...

I'm broken. That's means you're close to me.

Thank you...

Nightmares = Awake & Asleep

I know there are far worse things that can happen to someone. This seems to be consuming my life. The pain in my heart is indescribable. God is saying "trust me" and I am doing my best, but my soul is vexed and flawed. I return to my vomit like a dog. I have been talking to several people who have been doing what they can to speak life and encouragement to me. I am learning a lot about myself and the fears that I have allowed to control so much of life. God is near me, and I know this because the scriptures say that He is close to the brokenhearted. I am trying not to be dismayed, distracted, and deceived. Satan is lurking near me, waiting for me to slip, so he can steal my purpose, kill my hope and joy, and destroy my belief in God being able to do anything through this season.

I woke up from a nap a few minutes ago. The dream I was having was about a meeting between me and Jamilah. See, in real life, she's supposed to call me "soon" and talk about something. I don't know what about yet, thus the reason for this dream. My anxiety was at play. So, instead of her calling me, in the dream, she came over. She came downstairs and we began talking about her new boyfriend, Travis. It was strange though because as we talked, she turned into someone else. I don't know who it was that she turned into, but she was not black anymore, she was white. She looked more like Ariana Grande than herself. What she was wearing changed too. She was wearing more of a Madonna-esque outfit. Ripped material, short mini-skirt, low-cut top and messy hair and heavy make-up on. She started talking softer and softer, to the point of not being able to hear what she was saying. I was getting frustrated with her being so stinkin' quiet. I figured it was an important enough conversation to where she would travel to be here in person, but she was being very evasive verbally. Her attitude changed from the modest and moral person I always believed she was to a loose moral, loose-lipped seductress. The conversation turned to one that was focused on the possible physical relationship her and Travis may have been involved in. That was painful, but the fact that she was attempting to make me feel all badly about losing her to him because of her being "more attractive" now was what was enraging. I remember kneeling beside the bed downstairs and slamming both of my arms onto the mattress screaming to stop trying to seduce me and just talk louder! I realized that the person that was in front of me was not Jamilah anymore. I woke up. sweating and breathing hard. I had to talk myself down to relax. I repeated in my mind that who was frustrating me, wasn't Jamilah and that I was talking to someone else. I still don't know who that was supposed to be.

So, Jamilah just called me. I gotta take this...

If I could, I would... BUTT

So there is a growing need to restrain my posts. See, my wife of over 10 years is telling me that she wants a divorce and that she wants me to "leave her alone" romantically for a while. The picture up top was made on my phone on Valentine's Day 2019. I was trying to respect her wishes by not sending it to her. I managed to keep myself from posting it anywhere she would read and didn't send it to her. So, mission accomplished, but I still have a pain in my heart because I want her to know that I'm thinking about her still regardless of her wanting to distance herself from me. This would be divorce number two for me. I'm done though. There is no way that if this relationship goes south that I'm going to try and get married again. It's either complete and total reconciliation through God's power or nothing again...
There will probably be a lot more things I'll want to post or send her that would make her irritated that I "keep trying" to show her affection. She says that she wants to "work on" herself. I told her that she can have all the space she needs without the need to leave the marriage. I don't know how she took that. I had a few conversations with her and I never know how she is thinking afterwards. She doesn't seem to talk about her feelings very often anymore. I regret whatever caused that because she's the most brilliant individual I have ever met. She's so smart and strong. She doesn't like that she's so strong. She wants me to do things for her, not because she can't do them, but because she shouldn't have to do them. Which makes TOTAL sense. I've been trying to do everything I can to let her know through action that things can be salvaged, regardless of what she's done... or not done.