"Lovely Jesus" - feat. reSEARCH, Paradox, Jeremiah Dirt

 I have a new song to release, but I don't know how to promote it. What are the best ways to let people know about it while creating a sense of urgency for it's release? I've posted twice about it on FaceBook, but I feel like my posts get ignored. I release a lot of my own music, so I think that people see "yet another release" and kind of disregard it as "normal" now. How do I create distinction between my "regular" releases and this one? It's different because this one actually has lyrics and features some respected emcees in the game. Do I let one of them release it? Paradox has the highest numbers among us all. Maybe he should release it on his platform, but how will Dirt and reSEARCH get their due royalties? How would I be involved at that point? I didn't make the beat this time, so I just "engineered" it. That's significant, but without a proper promotional engine, it'd probably perform the way my other releases have, which aren't boasting high numbers so far.  I could pay for advertisement, but I'm broke and don't have enough even for a simple short running ad. What do you think I should do?

Unworthy

I have been feeling very unworthy lately. I was frustrated just now with my mom. She was asking me about the progression of my application for disability. She implied that I needed to ask my lawyer what the status was at this point. I felt like she was being passive aggressive about it. Like I was not doing enough. I told her that there wasn't anything more I could do. I have been checking on the status through the online portal and there hasn't been any progress. I forget what was said exactly, but I got irritated with her and I was rude. That being acknowledged, she was too. She told me to "get out of her face" and to go downstairs and "just leave." That's her new "thing." Just telling me to leave. She did that once before when Loren and I were arguing. I left then as well. I went down to the Marina in my car... The one they gave me. The one they pay the gas for. The one they pay the insurance for. How terrible am I? I don't deserve anything good, yet they have been the vehicle for so much of my help... How can I be so ornery? How can I ever be so rude to them? Why am I such a bad son? Why can't I be peaceful with them? Why do they get on my nerves still even when they have done so much for me? Am I not justified anymore in getting frustrated with them? They are my biggest fans and my greatest help, but they do and say wrong things too. Have I given up my "right" to get upset at them because I get their help? Is my questioning this even right? Does this line of questioning make me even more of a terrible person? The world thinks of me as terrible already. Why am I furthering this concept of me within my relationship with my parents? I am trash. I don't deserve anything good. I have failed everyone I know. The fact that I am doing as well as I am is because of them. Not me. I don't deserve their help. I am nothing without them. Nothing gives me the "right" to treat them with any less than honor and respect. They have done nothing but help me when no one else did and when everyone else left me, they never left me. I am such a garbage person and they don't act like I am. I need to suck it up and treat them better even when they do things that are frustrating and irritating. I have to forgive them. 

General Rant

 

Grapetree Records / Purple Game L.L.C. / Nickels Hawkeye

It has all been an interesting development.

Until recently, the distinction between Grapetree Ministries being a "non-profit" entity and Purple Game L.L.C. being the "for profit" entity has been made. 

I have reached out to several different artists and given them an Artist Recording Agreement to review. So far, there has been interest, but no official signing. I am apprehensive of some of these connections, but I figure that is because the uncertainty of the future relationships between myself, Grapetree and them are just that; Unknown. 

My music production is not in the same vain as most of the artists pre-existing material and I have received criticism for that. I don't plan on adjusting it because of the feedback, but it does make me wish, kind of, that my style was more "modern" and therefore accepted more and palatable. I have to work through and process why I feel this way for myself. 

I wish that artists would see the potential work that could be done if they were to "just go with it" and record their vocals to it and just trust my musical knowledge, but that would be controlling and domineering. I don't want to be like that. It isn't worth the stress.

I look forward to the possibilities each of these artists present to Grapetree's mission to reach people with the Gospel of Jesus, but nothing has yet transpired towards such. I suppose I'm in a period of waiting, and as usual, that is unsettling. When the potential is acknowledged yet unrealized, it is easy to become impatient. That is also something I don't want to be, but am having a hard time restraining.

There is so much work to be done and truthfully, I have a hard time believing that what needs to be done will ever get done. Not to mention the idea that it would all get done with excellence. I have one gripe. When it comes to writing content, it has been said that "someone" (we'll just leave it at that) will be handling the creation of it, but I doubt their grasp of the English language will hold out. Everything that this "someone" writes sounds like it was written by a fourth grader. This is concerning to me as I don't know if that is something that can ever be honestly confronted and taken into consideration for change. There's too much pride there.

If we are going to need content to be created, it must be done with intelligent execution. This means proof reading and being open to correction, which at this point, hasn't been very well received. Thus another source of stress for me. I worry about the representation Grapetree will have and how it will be received by those who are consuming our content, perhaps with a criticizing predisposition. It feels like we will be made to appear stupid and unintelligent, therefore; not serious or competent. Which I believe we can be, but haven't appeared that way in the past. I am still unsure if proper recognition will be given because of this shortcoming. 

My moniker, Nickels Hawkeye, is also on my mind. I've heard several sermons referring to the changing of someone's name in scripture. These people were given new names as a way of changing the way they were to behave, from old to new. I feel like some of the things that I've done in my past were associated with the name "Nickels Hawkeye" and that I don't want to be remembered for those things anymore. I am considering changing my name, but I am not sure to what. I don't want to think up a name and give it to myself. I want God to give me a new name, if that is even what He wants. I don't know if this is God putting this notion in my mind or if it's simply my own insecurities. I have invested so much effort into creating instances for the use of my moniker that it would be unfortunate and inconvenient to have to remove or change them. Would that even be necessary? Have people paid enough attention to that name to make it pointless to remove it from use? I don't know. I'm sure that people would still call me Nickels Hawkeye regardless of any announcement of any new name. Would the battle be worth my time? I don't know. I would seek opinions if anyone showed any interest in giving me feedback, but that hasn't been the case in the past, so it feels like it would be pointless to ask for that.

What should I do?

The latest release from Grapetree is a compilation entitled "Muzik2Ride2 (The Story Ain't Over)" and will be released shortly. I streamed a preview of the entire project on my YouTube page and NO ONE joined in to listen to it. It was discouraging and causes me to question if I should even pursue livestreaming any longer. If no one interacts with this effort, it is pointless. I've posed that question to others before and I haven't received any positive feedback; or negative feedback. I feel completely ignored. Again, I don't know what I should do about it.

For anyone who might be interested in the compilation, here is the stream if you want to listen to it.

Review of "Don Robey Album" - lil' Raskull

As some of you know, I like to review projects in a track by track fashion. This review won't be on one of my projects, for once. I know, I know. But you won't be disappointed. New Grapetree Records in combination with Javo Records and soSouth Distribution have released a new original project by the legendary emcee from the original Grapetree Records legacy library, lil' Raskull entitled "Don Robey Album". Sometimes called "RAS", he is also the owner of New Grapetree Records, so it's only fitting that he is first out the gates with his own release. 

I will be going through the album, track by track, with my opinion on each one. Purely subjective, so regardless of my input, I would encourage you to stream it for yourself and formulate your own opinions, as always.

Track 1 - Profound

First thing I notice is the feel of this song. It feels like a flashback to the NWA era, when they were on top. The lyrics are more of a story vibe. I like the down pitching in the vocal mix too! I like how the flow is abstract. This is a great introductory track for this album. The flow is aggressive and that isn't that common anymore. I dig the vocal snip at the end. I wonder who it is though.

Track 2 - Declaration

I dig the live audience feel on this one. I always listen to the beats first, and this snare hits real nice. History already been made! I dig how Ras comes in at an unconventional point in the beat. The mix is real nice on this one. Upon my first listen to the entire project, I noticed that the mix was greatly consistent. Doin' a hundred on the highway, maybe cause it's Friday! The filter on the vocal mix is nice at the end.

Track 3 - Gangsta Gospel - featuring Chille Baby

I really dig the down pitch for the vocal line in the chorus. Not many people can do that right, Ras did. The snare work on this beat is nice as is the bass drops. The bending boom sound is great! I can imagine this one going over really well in a live situation. I'm really digging Ras' flow on this project so far. I like that it's not conventional rhythms. Chille Baby comes off as well. Good to hear him gettin' it in. Life or Death, man, you gotta choose! I wonder what a music video would look like for this one.

Track 4 - The Book of Cush

The record static in the beginning went away! Nooooo!!! I dig the drums he used on this one. This is the most like a breakbeat on the album so far. The string plucks and the singing sample really make this beat come together. Verse two is my favorite so far. I suppose I've got a preference to the story-telling part of these verses. In God We Trust, But We Learn To Busssss...

Track 5 - By His Blood

This one I recognize from playing on New Grapetree Radio! This one has always had a great feel to it. That scream in the beginning of the first verse has always been a good move in my opinion. "Gave me music instead of Tonka trucks" - my favorite line. This one is a good one to front to.

Track 6 - More of You - featuring Elizabeth Mhlanga

This one has a special place in my heart. It's the first time I heard Ras' heart for worship come out in his verses. "son of Jessie, some say he was common man, God said he was king though", that whole part is just amazing! This song gives me shivers. Elizabeth comes off perfectly over this instrumental. The progression of this song is amazing! The synths that come in as the chorus comes in are phenomenal! 
I can't get enough of this song! Definitely a repeater!

Track 7 - Answer - featuring Ali Cross

This was a single released before the entire dropped. You can get the single version on www.soundrebellion.net if you're interested. Ali Cross is an artist from Zimbabwe who is on New Grapetree Records. This one has a more international feel to the instrumental that I really dig. I can hear this one on the radio. It has a definite danceable characteristic to it! Reminiscent a bit of Liberian Girl by Michael Jackson.

Track 8 - Run Up On Em

 This one is a show song for sure! It's catchy and has a lot of space for the vocal delivery to shine. I can also hear this one on mainstream radio. Doo Doo Doo!!! The mix on this is really good too! The flow is more traditional, but comes hard. Minimal on purpose. I like this one!

Track 9 - Going Down

 This is the one I produced. I probably should turn it up. Do you dig the turntable work?

Track 10 - Jesus

This one has always been super hard to me. I like how he confronts the industry in this one. I've played this one on New Grapetree Radio as well and is also on www.soundrebellion.net and YouTube as well. The feel to this one is definitely something I can roll on. Nice and eerie! This one SERIOUSLY goes hard!

Track 11 - RIP Chad Butler - featuring Navigator

This one's pitch shift on the background vocals and the chorus is perfect! This was chopped correctly. That's been rare lately. The chorus sounds "tough" for once! Good job on this one!! Check out the content of this one, lyrically, too! Ras is sayin' some realness. Navigator has a really nice flow too! It honestly made me want to hear more from him. I wonder what his project would sound like. Maybe that may be in the works. Who knows.

Track 12 - Priest of the North

What Is You Waitin' Fuh!?!? The bass guitar work on this is incredible! This is a really nice way to end the album. This track brings a nice conclusive element to the entire project. I really dig the relaxing vibe this one has. Ras comes off with his verses, as usual! For the wrap up song, I couldn't have picked a better one.

The entire project is very well rounded and deserving of heavy rotation for the audience that is familiar with his past work as well as those who are just now catching up. I highly recommend this entire album to anyone that wants some beastly flows without the compromise that so many releases have these days. It's a return to what's good and an advancement in the genre as a whole. It's already been stated that it's an "instant classic" and I must say that I wholeheartedly agree!!!

NEW ERA - by Nickels Hawkeye

 

Happy New Year!

2022 is gone! 2023 has arrived!

I think, this year, I'm going to focus on healing. 

My marriage to Jamilah has been on my mind a lot lately. I seemingly can't get over the idea that I pledged my heart to her. Although she doesn't want it. It's been made obvious by her marrying another man and having his child, but for some reason, that doesn't change what my heart meant. Of course, I won't be acting upon it, because that would be weird and severely inappropriate. But the resolve that I made in order to marry her still remains. I've tried to get rid of it, but even if I were able to find someone and replace her, at this point at least, it would feel incredibly wrong and also inappropriate. I'm not thinking by any stretch of the imagination that we will ever reunite, but it would still feel like I'm going back on the promise I made to Jamilah. You know the one, "Till death do us part". I'm still alive and I feel like I'd be not taking what I meant seriously if I met and dated and married someone else. Also, I wonder often if that would be something that I should even ever consider from here on out. Like I've said to friends in the past, yet fairly recently, "God would literally have to produce a physical burning bush right in front of my face for me to even consider dating or marriage a possibility." And I stand by that. Until I see that, I am not moving toward that idea in the slightest. Until the unlikely event that I do have a burning bush appear in front of me, I will be focusing on healing myself. Whether that be mentally, physically or spiritually. I believe that it will be to my benefit as well as my children's benefit. I need to be the best version of myself for them, if not for anyone else. I need to become the best Father I can be. Failure in that task is not an option. Lord knows, I've failed at that already. That is too often. My Fatherhood and my healing are my priorities from now on.

As usual, I bring everything back to music. NEW ERA is the title of my latest release of instrumentals. I released them in "single" form online. They're in a playlist called "NEW ERA" and that's about it. No official album or anything. This release signifies the idea that I wrote about in the previous paragraph. These are the tracks that have been the soundtrack to the last several months while coming to these conclusions. I hope you enjoy them!

NEW ERA - YouTube

NEW ERA - SoundCloud

NEW ERA - Spotify

NEW ERA - Apple Music/iTunes

NEW ERA - Bandcamp

There are the links to the playlists... Take a moment to listen, comment and tell a friend to do the same! Any interest I get in any of these, I always appreciate!

Sometimes it all just comes flooding back...

Truly Tragic.

There are certain pieces of music that transport me to past experiences and emotions. 

The Album Leaf's album entitled "In a Safe Place" is one of those pieces of music that instantly take me back to when Jamilah loved me, we were dating in Portland, OR. and life was complicated still but there was a certain sweetness about it. Troy, our six pound Chihuahua, was alive and vitality just oozed from him. The apartments Jamilah lived in, affectionately called "The Breeze Way" and the sunlight that radiated through the windows there, and the other apartment Jamilah had near the Pearl District downtown... The cruising around the shops and boutiques. Exploring the areas restaurants and parks. Going to church downtown with Milton at the Flying Elephant building. The jobs I held as a security officer and an apartment leasing agent... The optimism and fresh, newness that was all around everything. Living at Momentum Studio with Zeb. My red Nissan Sentra and the ten inch subwoofer that it had. Going to the Grande after hours and getting to know people there... 

It was all such a wonderful time that I will never be able to relive, recapture or ever experience that feeling again... I was so young then... After Jamilah and I married, eleven years after almost, she left. She'd given up and had been preparing to do so in her heart for the previous two years without my knowledge. All of it took me so much by surprise that I am still trying to get over it. It raked my heart through hells coals and back again... It murdered my soul. I am afraid and timid now. I am scared to think about the idea of future love because I don't want to get hurt anymore. I'd rather take my chances alone than to risk that level of pain again. I am slowly regaining some level of significance and value, but it is a definite struggle and I doubt I'll ever reach my former confidence ever again.

I cry. Literally every time I think about it all.

Everything, everyone I've lost... including myself. 

I'm less than half the man I used to be...
...and I wasn't a very good man to begin with.

Like I said,


Truly Tragic.

DUALITY

Sometimes we're happy. Sometimes we're sad. There is a lot to life and emotions. There are ups and downs throughout our existences. Where do we choose to ground our thoughts? Do we gravitate toward the negative or do we gravitate toward the positive? Everyone is at a different place and has their own unique stories. There are so many perspectives on so many issues in life and narrowing them down to one way of thinking is impossible. We all have a dual nature. This is a musical expression of the duality in my life. I have ups and downs, relaxed and calm or stressed out and worried. Join me on this journey of awareness and acknowledgement. I hope you enjoy the trip we take and marvel at the wonderous sonic imagery this project portrays.

Special shout out and thanks to my kids! My son, Brighton, who is turning 6 in April; and Elovicious, my daughter, who is also turning 12 in April. You both make me so proud to be your father. Your growth and development are a wonder to watch! You both are my heart!!! I love you both 100%! That's 200%... That must mean I have two hearts! THAT must mean that I am a Time Lord because "The Doctor" from "Doctor Who" has two hearts too!

Thank you to all my supporters and friends that stay in contact with me in spite of life's complications. I love you all!

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLnkLM6-a0TIMo3Mywwp-x2qIaofIsAJkV

https://soundcloud.com/nickels2013/sets/duality

https://nickelshawkeye.bandcamp.com/album/duality