It's Been a While Now

So, it's been a while now since Jamilah divorced me.

She's remarried to a guy named Travis.

She's moved to Portland with the kids.

I'm still in Seattle, but now, alone.

Well, I can't say I'm completely alone. I've got my parents and a few friends. Thank God for them. If I didn't have them then my world would be a lot worse off. I am still counting my blessings. I'm no longer going to college. I actually have been working at a job that is technically temporary, but I have a feeling I'll be hired on eventually. I've been able to be consistent in paying Child Support for almost two years now. That is saying something because previously I had given up on paying at all. I regret that because it gave Jamilah cause to think that I would be a deadbeat father. Being a father is pretty much the only honorable and prestigious position left that I hold. I must maintain that at all costs. I often think about my purpose on being alive and taking up space on this planet and I am usually told "to be a good father to your kids." I agree, but there has to be something deeper than that. I feel bad for feeling that way because that should be enough and is usually enough for most men, but for me, I've always felt like there was more to it than that alone. Problem is, I have NO idea what that is... So I'm just living. Existing. Trying to be the best father I can be. Being present. Being responsible. Maybe those things are good enough and I should be satisfied. But, I'm not. Maybe I'm a bad person because of that reasoning. I don't know. Honestly, I don't care anymore. Like that line in that Goo-Goo Dolls song Broadway says "Like the young man sitting in the old man's bar; waiting for his turn to die"... that's what I feel like I'm doing. Just breathing in and out, going through the motions. Contrary to some, I have not been having thoughts of offing myself or anything, but some are worried that I have been. I haven't. I am just wondering and waiting for why I'm here to make sense. Struggling with significance and worth...